


We Don't Talk Anymore

by lizziepro



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, Super Junior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-12 08:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10486068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizziepro/pseuds/lizziepro
Summary: Kyuhyun's life is completely different than it was 3 months ago, and all of the feelings he's been putting off suddenly come rushing in.





	

The first tear went unnoticed, until 3 more followed, sprinkling on Kyuhyun's desk at work.

The loud office buzzed around him. It was getting to be busy season at his firm, and he didn't have time for this right now, but here it was. Unannounced and forceful, a storm brewing in his head and heart.

Had anyone seen? Did they know he was breaking down? 

They don't talk anymore.  
Three months had passed since they'd spoken. Three whole months without a word.

  
\----------------------------

  
It had ended quickly. A couple of texts.

 _"I'm going to the hospital. I'm sick again, and I can't talk to you anymore."_  
  
_"What's wrong? Please tell me. I'm here for you."_  
  
_"I can't talk to you anymore. I hope your life turns out to be everything you wanted."_

6 years, down the drain. Right before his birthday.

To say he hadn't anticipated it would be a lie, but he hadn't been able to imagine his life without her. Despite the fact he'd been living without her for an entire year now, he never thought this day would come.

And on that day, so suddenly, he felt a strange sense of relief.

He'd been freed from the chains, depressing deep into his skin, constricting his throat from saying words and expressing feelings he'd only wish he'd felt able to explain. Marks left mentally, scars that'd take years to fade, he knew.  
But he never really anticipated this feeling of joy he experienced. Not once did he think he could be happier without her.

Yet, that was where he was. She'd left. After a year of constant nasty arguments. Years more of holding him hostage from a life he so wanted to live, knowing he'd sacrifice anything and everything for her. Not an ounce of doubt in her about that. Not even a drop.

  
\---------------------------

  
Kyuhyun did the only thing he could think to do.

His phone shook in his hands, tears falling more rapidly now as he sniffled once... twice...

_"Are you out of work yet?"_

_"Yeah, what's wrong?"_

_"I need you to pick me up. Now."_

_"I'll be there in 15."_

_"Thanks."_

  
\--------------------------

  
She claimed she didn't know who he was anymore. He knew this was who he'd been all along, shoving his true self away in a trunk in the closet, further repressing himself to accommodate her needs. She was priority. That's how it was supposed to be, right?

She'd come to him, a good friend, after a breakup, 6 years ago. Sobs racking her entire body, unable to speak. He sat with her on her bed, holding her for hours as she sobbed.

He'd gotten notice of the breakup from her and her now ex that night. Two texts. Her ex asking him to go take care of her because she'd known it'd be bad.

She wasn't lying.

Kyuhyun arrived, her mom asleep in the front room. He snuck to her bedroom and she fell to the floor, shuddering and shaking without end. He'd never seen anyone so broken in his entire life.

 _"It's okay. It's going to be alright."_ He held her, shirt soaked with her tears. Hours passed and birds began chirping before he finally left. The walk home at 4:30am one of uncertainty for the future, but knowing what he had to do, or so he thought.

So it began.

She'd grown close to him, quickly, to everyone's surprise. They were so opposite, even they acknowledged it. He wanted to make sure she was safe, from the world surrounding her and herself. Especially herself. She was her biggest danger at that point, and he knew it right away. Things had happened, she'd lost her will to live, to continue on. She was destroyed completely, and he wanted to help build her back up. It would take years of work, never-ending, but it would get better.

He decided quality time, solitary time together would be the best rehabilitation. She was introverted, afraid of crowds of people, unsure of others and felt safest at home.  
He was extroverted, relishing in time with his closest friends, having parties, partaking in everything a young 20-something should.  
But, these things were deemed unacceptable by her.

It was a matter of decision - Does he do what he wants thereby leaving her to fend for herself so scared and upset, so afraid of the world, or does he stay with her and try to help her like a good friend would?

How could you abandon someone in a situation like this?

You can't. He couldn't. He didn't. He was determined to be there for her, be supportive, ensure she would fucking survive.

The years passed, and slowly he became more enclosed, enveloped, dedicated. Other friends fell to the wayside to prioritize their friendship. They'd talk of the future when they'd have their own kids, when they'd go on vacations together with their significant others, what their weddings would be like. It was all so glittering and promising, like the countless stars above. He felt secure with her, and she with him.

But, as time passed, Kyuhyun felt different. Constant pressure to put aside his wants, needs, feelings, because hers were still always priority, because hers came first and foremost so she always felt valued, it wore him down.

He'd pushed away good friends, changed his interests to better spend time with her, relinquishing himself to become the person she'd needed.

He'd only realized he didn't recognize the person staring back at him in the mirror mere months before things went downhill. When he discovered just how much he hated himself.

Who was he?

\--------------------------

  
Things declined quickly when she'd moved for work.

They'd said they'd stay good friends, that the distance was nothing they couldn't handle, the time change mere drops in the bucket compared to what they'd been through as friends.

But it turned out much differently than either anticipated.

She'd cried on vidchat more times than he could count. _"I miss you. I don't want to be here. I want to disappear again. It hasn't been this bad in a long time."_ His heart was breaking. He did all he could. The late nights and early mornings with little sleep, affecting his eating habits, and his drinking ones. His workouts were no more, Minho calling him constantly to ask where he was each night at the gym.

He'd given up his Saturday nights to spend time with her, time he valued greatly as he made attempts to reconnect with those he's abandoned before for her. But she didn't seem to notice, he'd chosen that time for her. Because she came first.

She always came first. It was always her or nothing.

Then, she met someone. Someone she was head over heels for. Someone who had swept her off her feet, whose schedule worked to spend amounts of time with her like he had before she'd left. Someone who could prioritize her there, in real life, leaving Kyuhyun to attempt unanswered calls and be bailed on for vidchats.

She'd met him and that was that.

In true form, you know things will be different when your best friend enters a relationship, and Kyuhyun had seen how she had been in her last relationship. She dove in deep, dug in so far for reasons he could never understand, purely because they were different people, but he knew where this would lead. He knew, and he didn't want to admit it. He knew he would be shut out. He knew he would be under-prioritized. He always knew, and yet he stuck around.

Days turned into weeks, without phone calls, the interaction left him wandering the streets as spring came into bloom, looking desperately at his phone and feeling himself wither among the blossoms. She was nowhere to be found.

He expressed this to her, always being upfront with his needs though always ignored or shot down.

_"I'm feeling pretty alone, like you're ignoring me and all we talk about is your life. When I'm upset, you seem like you don't care of have time. We don't talk anymore. Can we spend more time together, please?"_

_"You should've expected this, Kyuhyun. I moved away. My life changed and I don't have time for you like I did before. I've got to focus on my life here. "_

And still he stayed. Telling himself he should understand her position and that he was being selfish, apologizing for expressing his feelings.

It stung, he felt nauseous, but he went into work anyway, red eyes puffy and bloodshot.

As he looked at the blossoms on the trees, they promised hope, a brighter future, something to value him equally, reciprocating and not taking for granted his presence like she had.

Finally, he knew it was the end. A date she'd had that he'd only dreamed of, longed for, with someone of his own. She'd never known how he'd so wanted this, but she'd had it, and he'd resented her.  
It was natural, he knew this, his resentment, but he never expected it to last as long as it had. Though how could it fade when you're constantly hurt and ignored? How was he supposed to move on? She expected him to be there, though she rarely was herself, blaming him and patronizing him when he would do things other than be at her beck and call.

He'd spent the morning crying on his bathroom floor, how could this destiny he so felt was his own be happening exactly for someone else? How was he supposed to continue believing in his dreams when it was lived by another, someone who never valued the idea of destiny nor this situation as much as he had. He had to go to work, but his dreams of a destiny all his own were crashing around him. So it was time to build a new destiny. It was time to focus on himself.

He'd lost track of the number of times she'd told him he was being foolish and stupid, not taking care of himself, when he was merely living his life. He didn't want to resent her anymore for her expectations and actions, or lack thereof, so space was the answer. Space, self-improvement, returning to his roots. Detaching from her presence in his life. It was the answer, and adjusting his perspective to match would be crucial. 

She was gone, and though he felt it, she still seemed blissfully unaware.

He'd rekindled old friendships, explored his city unlike ever before. He saw things clearly for the first time in ages. He could smile again and believe it was real. She was living her life, and he his, with new friends, new experiences, while the distance seemed to not be as unbearable for either anymore.

She didn't like that.

One day, it changed. Her boyfriend's schedule switched. They now had drastically less time for one another, resulting in a major blow to her lifestyle, her being used to spending days on end together. 

Kyuhyun could feel his eyes rolling into the back of his head, wanting to tell her to grow up, that's life. But he was there. Despite it all, he came back. Kicking himself in the fucking ass the entire way. Knowing what he was getting into.

The difference this time being he felt it. The suffocation of her expectations, her not allowing his emotions to be valid or priority over her constant needs. The poison seeping deep into his bloodstream - she replenished her collection, giving him a bit more to drink.

He tasted it, and wanted to vomit. This was not how it should be.

_"Who are your new friends? You never spend time with me anymore. I miss you. It's really lonely here and I have no friends."_

_"I thought you hungout with people from work and your boyfriend? What happened?"_

_"I don't have friends here and my boyfriend works. Let's spend more time together. You're being selfish and ignoring me for people I don't even know. If you don't want to be friends with me anymore, then just leave. Whatever. I don't matter. You don't like me anyway."_

_"Okay. I'll work on being here for you more. I'm sorry for being selfish and doing things too much with other people. When are you free to vidchat?"_

That difference - the difference in their responses to the same request - that's what Kyuhyun remembered. That's what haunts him to this day. She never cared. She was selfish. She took and took, and never once listened.

They only fought more from there. It grew aggressive, her attacking his weakest points. His lifestyle now something she abhorred, though it was what he'd truly wanted all along. He'd told her, when she'd patronized him for having so many close friends. She'd accused him of being selfish, reckless, unsafe, and all of which was affecting her negatively.

Because now she had time to pay attention, now she had time to really see what she'd gotten herself into. He'd told her it was her fault it was like this, that she didn't have more friends, that her priorities were hers and always have been hers. That only she could fix this, and not by sitting at home alone vidchatting Kyuhyun from thousands of miles away. He didn't need to lie to her and she didn't need him to bullshit her to protect her feelings, but she never listened.

That was the dependence she'd sought and he'd nurtured.

And he wasn't going to allow it to continue. She needed honesty, not what she wanted to hear. The fighting, day and night. It drained them both. Her complaining of lost weight and insomnia, him so fucking tired of talking about it. 

Then one day, it ended. The texts from her days before his birthday.

He'd woken up to them at home with his parents. Sleepy, unsure if his glasses had read the right words together. He rubbed his eyes and found himself correct. 

 _"I'm going to the hospital. I'm sick again, and I can't talk to you anymore."_  
  
_"What's wrong? Please tell me. I'm here for you."_  
  
_"I can't talk to you anymore. I hope your life turns out to be everything you wanted."_

He hadn't cried. He hadn't gasped. He laid there, unmoving, it all sinking in. It was over. Totally over.

He knew she wouldn't reach out to him. His actions, according to her, had ruined her so completely and severely, she would never speak to him again. He'd seen her do this to many before him, but he never expected himself to be in this situation. Now he was. He had become one of them. 

 _"I'm sorry I've hurt you so badly and made your life hell. I hope you will feel better and that your life improves without me involved. If you ever need anything, I'm here."_ And with that, he put his phone down. Would he still be there? He wasn't sure for now, but he didn't think he wanted to be. Not when his existence hurt her so badly. His wants, needs, life choices making him so happy proved life-threatening to her. How could he expect to help when all he did was the opposite? The weight of it felt heavy on his chest, but he remained still.

The sun was barely peeking through his curtains, his kitten sleeping next to his chest, Kyuhyun pressed a small kiss to its head before taking a deep breath and resting his head once more on his pillow. It was all he could think to do. They were strangers now. And he owed her nothing.

\--------------------------

Kyuhyun grabbed his coat, swinging it onto his frame and wrapping his scarf tightly. It was March, but it was unreasonably cold this time of year. Luckily, Changmin had driven him to work while his car was in the shop, so while he expected to pick him up after work, Changmin hadn't expected to be there 2 hours early nor the desperate phone call he received from his best friend.

Kyuhyun made his way out the front door of his office, not saying a word to anyone and hoping he'd gone unnoticed amidst the meetings and chaos surrounding him. He wasn't allowed to be visible before, and that sinking feeling was rearing its ugly head as he opened the car door to see Changmin sitting there, a look on his face of concern but calm, knowing he needed to be strong for his best friend.

It was only a couple of months ago, still so fresh. He wondered how Kyuhyun hadn't been more upset, since she and he had been so unbearably close. Changmin had taken a small back seat during that time, but he knew, through and through, he and Kyuhyun remained each others' number 1's. There was no doubt. Changmin never questioned their bond. He knew Kyuhyun's situation, understood his position in the friendship he'd held with her, and while it was painful at times, he knew above all, Kyuhyun valued and prioritized their friendship more than any other. 

Once Kyuhyun had buckled in, Changmin shifted the car to Drive and pulled away from the building. It was rainy that night, Kyuhyun finding comfort in the quiet ballad playing in Changmin's car amidst the silence. He looked out into the city surrounding them, looking for hope, for a sign that he was worthwhile, that he wasn't a waste of space who hurt everyone around him, that he was important. He felt it more now that he was with Changmin - He always felt important when he was with him. Their friendship undeniable and unbreakable.

When you experience an exchange where through the years you're made to feel like you're not allowed to feel sad, upset, frustrated, valid in any feelings or as if any of them matter, it's a tricky spot when you're so used to the emotional abuse but it's no longer directly there. It came in small episodes, the rush of guilt, feelings of uselessness, wondering what he could've done to save it all. And when he thought back, looking at how he'd been treated, he became frustrated for putting up with it and letting himself get so low in the first place. Allowing himself to be pushed further and further into the ground under the boot heels of her designer shoes she so easily afforded.

When you've experienced that level of emotional abuse and neglect, how do you become okay with feeling any feelings at all that might be negative or not supporting someone else in that moment? How do you let yourself breathe? How do you learn that your existence and your feelings truly do matter, and someone telling you such isn't just so you can move on and prioritize them once more?

The episodes were infrequent, but the panic and tension that overtook Kyuhyun was virtually debilitating. He felt his throat constrict, tears welling at his eyes, a sense of worthlessness that seemed unshattering.

A choked sob left his mouth and he couldn't stop any of the next ones that followed. 

The windows blurry before from the spring rain were now blurry because of the tears falling down his cheeks. 

He cried like that the entire way to his house, where Changmin parked the car and walked over to his door and opened it slowly, umbrella overhead to protect his friend just a little more. Kyuhyun walked next to him, step by step to his front door, where Changmin pulled out his spare key, unlocking the home in front of them. He shook the umbrella as Kyuhyun went inside. 

No sooner did he set the umbrella down, Kyuhyun had turned and latched onto his torso, hugging him close as if he let go of his best friend, his brother, he might fall apart. Changmin held him close. Their jackets were a little wet, but it was no bother. They stood there, rain dripping onto the entryway rug, a small light beaming in from the kitchen around the corner, and Kyuhyun couldn't stop crying. He thought he might run out of tears, but they kept coming, he wasn't sure what he should do.

 _"I've got you, Kyuhyun. You're okay. Your feelings are valid. Let them out. I'm here for you."_ Changmin said quietly as he held his shaking friend. Repeating "I'm here for you. I've got you." seemed to help calm him, ever so slowly.

The house was warmer than he'd expected. Kyuhyun noticed finally as he began to find his breath once more. His eyes stung, harsh and swollen with emotions he'd still struggled to express. Thank God he had Changmin.

"I'm going to order some food. Go get a shower. It'll be here by the time you're done. I'll be down here." Changmin said softly, letting his friend go from his hug, but holding his shoulders at arms-length. He looked right into his eyes, and Kyuhyun knew it would be alright as he nodded and made his way upstairs. 

The shower turned on hot, he stepped in and let the droplets run over his face, neck, shoulders, back. He felt the warmth from the water, now greater than the sting he felt of self hatred and doubt he'd felt so strongly just hours ago. He took one deep breath, and another. He sat.

The water ran hot down his chest and back, his head hanging low as he propped his arms and head on his knees he held close. They joy crept in again. He was free.

 

Changmin was right. He would be okay.


End file.
